This is the third part of a three-part series on feedback. Catch Part One (on asking for feedback) and Part Two (on giving great feedback) for more feedback tips.

The way you receive feedback is always going to be up to you. If you are a perfectionist, it will probably always be hard, no matter who it is coming from. If you are particularly attached to the project you are asking for feedback on (i.e. it's your "baby") you may not want to make big changes. On the flip side, if you are not attached to the project, you may not be critical enough of the feedback you receive.

Even IF you are awesome at setting up a feedback filter, and people in your circle are excellent at the art of giving GREAT feedback, you will still need to manage your emotions when you receive feedback.

Let's talk about two situations in which you need to respond to feedback:

1. When it’s expected
2. When it’s unsolicited

Expected feedback you can prepare for (and realistically you probably asked for it), so you want to respond with emotional maturity. Asking for feedback on a project and then snapping back at the person about how they know nothing about web design wouldn't be very nice. Let's find a way to avoid that.

If you are in a feedback loop for work, you likely cannot avoid that feedback, but you will need to receive that feedback in a way that helps you keep your job. Ideally. (If you don't want to keep your job, that's another blog post.)

The other type of feedback, well, you didn't ask for it. So, hopefully you'll have some emotional maturity left over to deal with that too. (If not, honestly, I don't blame you.)

Feeling emotionally intelligent today? Let's do this!

How to respond to expected feedback

If you asked for feedback on a project, you can usually prepare yourself for the scope of feedback you will receive. You set the parameters, hopefully with a filter that gets you useful feedback (See Part One again if you need help with asking for feedback), and you made the ask.

Sometimes feedback comes from a supervisor or an instructor and you have less control over the process. This type of feedback is much more nerve wracking.

Either way, no matter how much you prepare, feedback will occasionally surprise you or trigger you, and you need a plan to deal with your emotions.

Facts.

For example, let's imagine you asked for feedback on your website banner. You asked really specific questions, because you wanted to see if people were seeing it the same way you were on different browsers and operating systems.

Instead of the feedback you asked for, a few people gave you some relatively critical responses about the color, style, and typography on your banner, and even the name of your website.

This wasn't the feedback you specifically asked for, although it wasn't unsolicited. However, it hurt your feelings. Mostly because your banner LOOKS GREAT. Who do these people think they are? (Probably they think they are helpful friends, honestly.)

Here are four steps for responding to expected feedback, even when it doesn't feel great:

1. Don't respond immediately. Emotions will sometimes cause you to say things you don't mean. Take a lap. Breathe a little. You don’t want your flight or fight response running the show. Get back into the non-reactive part of your brain before you make a response.
2. Respond with gratitude, once you’ve completed Step 1. Even if it feels harsh, there's always something to be learned. Sometimes you might need to re-read the feedback a few times. Sometimes the lesson is to not ask that person for feedback again. (That can be a reasonable response.)
3. Review the feedback with an open mind when you are feeling less emotional. Don't miss out on some diamonds because your ego was feeling challenged. A rational mind can help you avoid throwing out the baby with the bath water. If it is feeling really challenging, let a trusted friend or partner read through it for you.
4. Make the changes that need to be made. You asked for help for a reason. You can do it. Your project will be better for it. Like everything else, the more you go through this process, the easier it will get. And remember, it is always ok to disregard other people's opinions if they are not aligned with your own vision. (Refer to Part Two for a strategy on sorting through opinions vs helpful suggestions.)

Finally, the vast majority of feedback will make you feel AMAZING and you should go with that feeling. Validation can be really helpful in getting us from start-to-finish on projects, whether we like to admit it or not. Take a deep breath and trust your gut. You can do it!

Unsolicited Feedback

Let’s take a minute about how to respond to unsolicited feedback

I think it is fair to say that sometimes people are jerks.

I think it is also fair to say that sometimes people think they are helping and they still come off as jerks because they didn't "read the room" or just read.

If you make a post sharing your work and don't ask for any feedback, you will likely still receive some. People just LOVE to share their thoughts.

When you receive unsolicited feedback (e.g. "There is something I do not like about this project even though you did not ask me to tell you that."), you have a decision to make:

1. Do not respond.
2. Respond.

You are not required to respond and in many cases you are better off choosing Option 1. That is in your power. You are never required to respond to anything, really, even feedback you asked for. (But if you asked for something, it's considered best practice to at least thank people for taking their time to give you feedback.)

If you choose to respond, it is best to be direct and try to keep your emotional response out of what you say. In some situations, people (jerks/trolls) are just trying to get you to respond emotionally. That's when you choose Option 1.

If you believe the person was providing you unsolicited feedback in earnest, you can thank them (Option 2), and disregard whatever they said.

Sometimes they may have shared something genuinely helpful. In this case, you can park it and come back to it when you are rationally able to deal with it without being annoyed, essentially using the tips from Expected Feedback above.

Personally, unsolicited feedback makes me very frustrated. So when someone gives me constructive feedback I didn't want or ask for, I have a tendency to disregard it for a few days because I feel disrespected (HELLO EGO!). However, once I calm down, I can find the good in it.

You have to choose your own approach.

Leave me some feedback in the comments below: How does feedback make you feel? Are you able to take a step back before responding to tough feedback? Have you ever been the one dishing out unsolicited feedback? No shame! I'd love to hear it!

Did you like this feedback series? Let me know. I'm planning on writing more about my personal coding projects and the human side of the tech industry. If there's something you'd like me to write about, I'm all ears.